Today is the two year anniversary of the death of our first baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I told Johnny by giving him the book Spot Loves His Daddy. I remember we had to leave the house and go on a walk because it seemed like our house wasn't big enough to contain everything that we were feeling.
After losing the baby, I remember sobbing and thinking that I never wanted to be happy again. I knew that the time would come when I would move on, and I didn't want that to happen.
Looking back, I think the three things that were the most healing for me were getting to see our baby, burying our baby, and getting pregnant a second time. These things gave me the closure I needed and also gave us hope for new things to come. It makes me sad that some people who suffer miscarriages can't have some of these things.
If I had known two years ago that I would have a half naked, singing 22 month old sitting next to me and a 14 month old and a 2 month old napping upstairs, I don't know what I would have thought. Of course I miss and love our first baby, and I don't know why we couldn't have him or her for longer, but it certainly seems in my experience that blessings tend to outweigh sufferings.
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